To Medicate Or Not? #ADD 02

“Should I take medication to help mitigate my ADD symptoms?”

For people with ADD, this can be a big question.  

Let me begin by making it clear that I’m not a doctor or a psychiatrist and I have no credentials that qualify me to advise you medically concerning this question.  You should always listen to your doctor concerning recommendations and make your decisions with a qualified physician.  

What I CAN provide here is my experience in answering this question for myself.  

ADD is not a life-threatening disorder, and so, unlike heart disease, diabetes, or other ailments that MUST be medicated (if you want to live), the person with ADD typically has a choice as to whether or not to take medication.  There are numerous medications that can be taken, and you’re free to ask a doctor or look at WebMD to see what those options are.  

Experiencing Adderall

When I was first diagnosed with ADD, I was prescribed 30mg of Adderall, a stimulant that is used to address the effects of ADD.  I still remember the first time I took it.  It was like someone turned the volume down in the room, and there was a sense of peace that I hadn’t EVER had.  It was glorious.  If you can imagine being in a crowded coffee shop with all of the noise, and then suddenly everyone was gone and it was just you sitting there enjoying the peace and quiet.  It was like that for me.  

But with that prescription came the side effects.  A perpetual stomach ache that some people have.  I needed to stop drinking coffee, because too many stimulants sped me up and distressed my stomach.  Only I didn’t stop drinking coffee, because I REALLY LIKED coffee.  So, I just went around with a stomach ache all the time.  

Then there was what I call the “pinhole effect.”  When the medication was in full effect, my world shrank down to a pinhole, and all I could focus on was what was right in front of me.  This is an over-focus side effect that indicated, at least for me, that my dosage was too high.  I could get on a subject with a coworker and it would be very difficult to break away from it as I focused harder and harder on it.  It was easy to lose sight of priorities and spend too much time on the wrong things.

Figuring out a proper dosage and dealing with side-effects is a normal process for anyone who’s had to take medication. It’s a little disturbing how easily our chemicals can be manipulated, and it can leave you feeling a little vulnerable and exposed.  

The Medication Stigma

I felt the stigma of taking medication that so many people feel.  I felt flawed. I felt broken.  I felt like I had to use the medication to try and cover up my brokenness, and this was something that caused an inner shame for me.  My father valued a stiff upper lip and stoic self-determination.  Mental illness was just weakness, and, whether he intended it or not, the message I took away was that even admitting that something like ADD was real for me was a sign of weakness and shame.  

My experiences at work reinforced this notion.  Like many ADD people do, I felt inclined to tell my boss at the time that I had ADD and this was why I’d had some struggles holding things together.  I remember my boss started treating me differently after I told her, and she was clearly uncomfortable with dealing with me after that.  After being a high-performing team member for years, I moved to another team just a few months after sharing my ADD diagnosis with my boss.  I’m guessing this is the bias that people with disabilities experience all the time.  Awareness concerning ADD has grown, and so things have changed a lot since then, but those first years taught me not to tell ANYONE I had ADD, which just increased the sense of secret shame. 

I prayed often for God to heal me from ADD.  I was part of a church community that had some charismatic leanings, and so one night at a Holy Spirit event, I went forward for healing prayer.  My accountability partner was on the prayer team, and he prayed for me that I’d be healed from ADD.  In that prayer time, I felt the Lord assure me that God had already provided me with a way to deal with this condition - my medication.  In a very personal way, I felt Jesus saying that the medications provided are part of his plan for making it through this life together.  That gave me great confidence in removing some of the internal shame associated with taking my medication. 

Where I Landed

As I considered taking meds, my biggest concerns were about how it would change my personality.  Would I become a different person?  Would my sense of humor change?  Would I be a zombie?  

I’m happy to say that, once I got my dosage sorted out, I found the medication brought out the best of my personality traits.  I didn’t lose “me”.  Instead, I gained the much-needed control over the less desirable aspects of my personality that kept jumping out at inopportune times due to my lack of impulse control.  In the end, my general approach to ADD meds is to take as low a dosage as possible while still being able to say “yes” to all of God’s invitations.  That’s Christianese for “getting my work done.” 

My Approach To ADD Meds

I read a book last year about what an amazing gift ADD is.  The author called it his “superpower.”   I have a feeling that most people with ADD would disagree with his sentiment.  He refused to be medicated, and instead substituted medication with an endless series of experiences intended to stimulate dopamine production so he could be productive and focused.  I was exhausted just reading the book.  But the most telling thing I noticed as I read the book was that the author had struggled to maintain any meaningful intimate relationships his entire life.  Admittedly, I’m telling myself a story about his story, but this last detail - the lack of intimate relationships - resonated as the definitive word on how I approach taking my medication as a person with ADD.  

The final word on my own answer to this question about medication came in 2007 at a church conference in Anaheim, California.  I was experimenting with only taking my meds for work situations, so I could stay gainfully employed.  That means I only took my meds on workdays, and skipped them on the weekends.  My wife and I had gone to Anaheim for a conference, and I decided to skip my meds for the entire conference - a whole week.  Two undesirable events occurred that underlined the true value of taking my meds.

The first event was when several friends, my wife, and I were getting ice cream after an evening session.  I’m a mint chocolate chip ice cream fan.  It’s my undisputed favorite.  But that evening, I decided to try something different.  I don’t even remember what I chose, but it was disappointing.  

While standing outside the Baskin Robbins, my friend and his wife were telling the story of how they met.  They were right in the middle of the story when I just interjected, “I should’ve had the mint chip.”  Everyone just looked at me like I was crazy, and then they laughed.  I felt humiliated, but laughed along to play it off. 

This is ADD in full effect.  The disappointment of the flavor of ice cream I got was NOT the most important thing happening at that moment.  I cared deeply about my friends, and I wanted to pay attention to their story.  I actually wanted to know how they met, but the lack of thought prioritization brought the disappointment of ice cream flavor selection to the top of the queue.  It was the biggest thing in my mind, whether I wanted it to be or not.  

Then the horrifyingly undesirable thing happened: my lack of impulse control let the thought be verbalized.  With no context, and completely off-topic from what was actually happening in the external world, I said, “I should’ve had the mint chip.”  To this day, I don’t think I’ve heard the story of how my friends met.  But everyone remembers, “I should’ve had the mint chip.”  It comes up every now and then, and every time I relive the quiet humiliation of the evening.

I’m aware that this story represents the expression of ADD through me, my personality, and my cumulative life experience up to that time. It might not affect you in the same way.  But for me, that became a defining occurrence that helped shape my opinion on taking my ADD medication.  

The second event was a couple days later at the In-And-Out in Anaheim.  I was unmedicated and sleep deprived from living the conference life (long days, long sessions, afterparties every night, and sleeping on a crummy hotel bed).  We were standing in line figuring out what we were going to order.  My wife had been talking about wanting to lose some weight, and in my heart I was trying to be helpful.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, or what she said she was going to order, but I blurted out something like, “You’re going to get THAT!?” loud enough that several people around us turned to see what was wrong.  My wife was less than pleased with this exchange, and she let me know.

Again, this is the intersection of ADD with who I was at the time.  Some of this was just foolishness and learning through trial and error how to be actually be helpful to my wife.  But it stayed with me as a point of reference.  I didn’t want to shame my wife, but my lack of impulse control resulted in dishonoring her nonetheless.  

The value I hold that I learned from those two events, and that I’ve learned again and again over the years when I’ve tested the value to see if it’s still valid, is this:

I take my medication every day for the sake of others.  

I take my medication every day, whether I have a full schedule or not. Whether I’m working or not.  Even on vacation.  I do it because I care deeply about the people in my life.  I love my wife and my children and I want to honor them with all I do and say.  I love my friends and want to do the same.  I want to honor my coworkers and show them the respect they deserve.  I want to be ready to demonstrate Christ’s love to any and everybody.  The simple truth for me is that when I skip my meds, I lose the ability to stay focused on what I value most.   

That’s why I’m medicated, and that’s why I take my meds every single day.  I don’t have to.  I CHOOSE to for the sake of others.  

I can’t answer the question, “Should I medicate or not?” for you.  You have to decide for yourself.  The intersection of ADD with your personality manifests in a way unique to you, and you’ll want to come up with an answer that fits your context. I’ve shared my story and my perspective, and I pray it was helpful for you in your own journey.  

What has been your attitude toward medication for your ADD?  Why?

What do you think of the idea of taking you medication for the sake of others?

For those without ADD, how have you viewed people with ADD?  How have your viewed mental illness in general?