Coping #ADD 03

For years, I drove my wife crazy.  

I’d go to get the pain reliever, and it wouldn’t be on the shelf in the bathroom cabinet where I put it.  Immediately, I’d shout to her, “Honey, where’s the pain reliever?”  She’d shout back (from the other side of the house), “It’s in the bathroom cabinet!”  I’d shout back, “No, it isn’t!” 

“Yes, it is!” 

“No, it isn’t!”  

Frustrated, she’d stop whatever she was doing and come to the bathroom with me.  I’d be standing there with the cabinet open and she’d point right at the pain reliever bottle - on the top shelf of the bathroom cabinet.  “It’s right THERE.”  She’d shake her head and look at me kind of funny, and then go back to what she was doing. 

I felt stupid.  It WAS right there in the cabinet, but it was two shelves up from where I’D put it.  When it wasn’t exactly where I expected it to be, I simply couldn’t see it.  After she pointed it out, I DID feel silly for not looking around the cabinet to see if it might be somewhere else.  

Over time, my wife adjusted to my quirks and started paying attention to EXACTLY where I put things.  She’d then try to put it back so I wouldn’t be wondering where it was.  Also, over time, I learned to make an effort to look a little harder before shouting to her.  We met each other in the middle.  

What’s going on here?  Why would a grown man not be able to see the bottle that was literally right in front of him?

For some of you with ADD, this is a familiar story.  What was happening in this scenario was the result of a lot of factors in my life.  As noted in my earlier post, I didn’t know I had ADD until I was in my 30s.  But I grew up in a household where I received the message that I needed to be perfect.  (I use the phrase “received the message” because the messages I received were a combination of my parents doing their best to raise me and my personality interpreting those efforts.  I don’t like blaming my parents.) 

Coping Mechanisms

My perception that I needed to be perfect meant that early on I developed a lot of coping mechanisms.  I didn’t know I had ADD, but I knew it wasn’t OK to misplace things, so I developed methods to ensure that I met my perceived expectations in my home environment.  

Here’s a coping mechanism for someone with ADD: I need to know where my wallet is.  It’s important.  Therefore the wallet will ALWAYS be in my back pocket OR on the nightstand next to my bed.  But not just anywhere on the night stand - it will be in the back righthand corner of the nightstand, behind my alarm clock. THIS is where it goes.  This is where it should be.  This is its place. Cue “Everything In Its Right Place.”  

Because I’ve made this rule in my mind, I don’t lose my wallet nearly as often. I know that it should always be either in my back pocket or on the back right-hand corner of the nightstand behind the alarm clock.  This is a coping mechanism that helps manage one of the most challenging things about having ADD.

The Stigma

People will ADD can’t keep track of things very well.  The inattentive nature of ADD means it’s easy to absentmindedly set something down and have no memory at all of where you put it.  This happens to lots of people, but it happens to people with ADD EVERY DAY.  The struggle is real.  

What makes this such a painful experience for people with ADD is that American culture generally views someone who can’t keep track of their stuff as defective.  When you lose your keys once in a while, people give you the benefit of the doubt.  When you lose your keys EVERY WEEK, they start to wonder what’s wrong with you.  Are you slow?  Maybe you’re just not that bright.  Maybe you’re on drugs.  When this happens, they start to treat you differently.

The problem for the person with ADD is that YOU ARE different, but not in the way they’re thinking.  Most of the people I’ve met who have ADD are bright, creative, quick thinkers.   They’re intelligent people who’re afflicted with a disordered that can make them look stupid by America’s cultural expectations.  This is why I didn’t want to tell people I had ADD.

I hated this stigma so much, that I did whatever I had to do to NOT be the person who lost their stuff all the time.  Let’s be clear, for me at least, I leveraged the power of shame to improve my life by establishing a coping mechanism.  The fear of being shamed AGAIN was so powerful for me that it helped prioritize the location of objects in my mind.  

But every coping mechanism has a flaw.  What happens when the mechanism isn’t followed 100%?  What happens when you introduce someone who doesn’t have ADD into the environment?

When Coping Mechanisms Break Down

I got married at 21 years old. My wife thought I was fastidious or just overly structured, and I couldn’t tell her any different, because I didn’t know I had ADD.  My coping mechanism for remembering where things were was precise.  The back righthand 1/4 of the nightstand was where my wallet should be.  If it wasn’t there, then I had no idea where it was.  

My wife had grown up in a non-ADD family where approximate locations were good enough. This is actually reasonable, and how the majority of people live.  “On the nightstand,” could legitimately be interpreted as anything from “on the shelf under the nightstand” to “near the bed” to “in the bedroom” for a lot of people.  This is a good and reasonable expectation for most people - just not people with ADD.   

When I went to the bathroom cabinet to get the pain reliever, this was one of the many items of importance to me that had been cataloged with a specific location.  It should ALWAYS be on the bottom righthand shelf in the front.  For my wife, this could reasonably mean, “anywhere in the cabinet.” 

The thing that I’ve heard so many times from people with ADD, is that when the thing you’re looking for isn’t where you thought it was - or where it is SUPPOSED to be - then it could be ANYWHERE.  The moment I can’t find my wallet, the immediate, powerful, emotion-charged response is an overwhelming sense of anxiety and the irrational belief that the item doesn’t exist anymore. I know that probably sounds silly to people without ADD, but I’ve had so many ADD folks confirm this same experience.  When the item isn’t where we thought it was, our brains tell us that it has ceased to exist.  

This isn’t a conscious process.  We don’t stop and think, “It isn’t here, therefore the most logical conclusion is that it has ceased to exist.”  It just simply IS what we feel.  That feeling comes over me with an absolute sense of certainty.  It’s powerful and it FEELS true.  For me, what comes about a nano-second later is a deep sense of despair at having lost the item.  This is followed by bracing for the humiliation I’ll be experiencing when I have to tell my wife that I’ve lost my wallet again.  It finishes with a shaming frustration at the fact that this has happened AGAIN.  This typically results in negative self talk for me - “You’re so dumb.  How could you lose your wallet again, you idiot!”  (This is likely the Inner Critic’s contribution and has to do with me being an Enneagram 1 more than ADD, but who knows?)

About a nano-second after that barrage of emotions comes the vague realization that things don’t just disappear.  But when I was younger, and before I was aware I had ADD, the emotions were so real, that I was often powerless to fight them.  This is where another aspect of ADD comes into play - impulsivity.  The emotions are so strong that I would just blurt them out: “It should be RIGHT HERE.  I have no idea where the wallet could be!  Someone must’ve stolen it.” 

My wife would often say, “No one stole your wallet.”  

“Well, it’s not here, and I don’t know where it is,” I’d shout in frustration. 

My wife really struggled to understand this irrational response.  That makes sense because it WAS an irrational response.  If I’d been asked about someone else losing their wallet (at a time when I wasn’t wondering where MINE was), I’d probably say something very logical like, “When was the last time you remember having it?  Can you retrace your steps and see if you can find it?”  But in the moment, the rush of emotions make it super difficult for an ADD person to think.  

This is how I could be standing in front of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom staring at the spot on the lower righthand shelf where the pain reliever is supposed to be, and not even think to just look on the other shelves.  It gets worse: then my wife comes over and points at it immediately - right there on the top shelf in the front where even the neighbors across the street could see it.  The sense of utter humiliation I feel in that moment is unpleasant to say the least.  

This is part of where my perspective on taking medication comes in.  When I’m on my meds, that overwhelming wave of irrational emotion still comes in - but at the proper volume.  It’s not the loudest thing in my mind.  Please note that it still comes - even though I have the self awareness to write this blog post about it.  But by now, it’s just an old silly friend that comes barging in spouting nonsense.  I can acknowledge it, and then tell it to sit down and shut up.  Then I can take a deep breath and remind myself that whatever it is that I’ve misplaced still exists and can be found if I just slow down and think it through.  

But I want to be clear - I STILL have THE place where my wallet goes.  It has a place in my home where it ALWAYS goes.  If it’s not there, then I’ve misplaced it.  Most likely, I’ve absentmindedly set it down somewhere in the house when I was focused on something else.  The coping mechanism is still essential for making my life work.  

One of my friends has a similar coping mechanism, but to be a little more flexible, she has two or three specified locations for her important items.  If it’s not in spot A, then she looks at spot B.  If it’s not in spot B, she looks at spot C.  And if it isn’t in spot C, it has most likely crossed over into an alternate dimension of the multiverse.  As she and I discussed this idea, she pointed out one final important note on this particular coping mechanism: not everything has a place - just the most important things, like car keys, work badges, phones, and credit cards.  

Set The Alarm

This isn’t my only coping mechanism.  Once you realize you can manage some of the ADD symptoms with a good coping mechanism, you create more. You forgot to take your meds?  You set an alarm on your phone.  I’ve been doing this one for a long time - since they first started putting alarms on smart phones.  It still surprises me to this day when my alarm goes off.  “What did I set an alarm for?  Oh, to take my meds.”  I’ve also learned that I can only turn the alarm off when I’ve actually taken the meds.  If I turn the alarm off before I take the meds, there’s a 75% chance I’ll get distracted and not do it.  So the alarm goes off for a little while while I take my meds.  This took some getting used to for my coworkers, but they were gracious enough in the end.  

Make A List

Another coping mechanism is that I make lots of lists.  If I need to get something done for work, for home, for anything, I have to write it down.  My ADD friends describe two types of people with ADD:

1) the “Put it in a spreadsheet” ADD folks, and 

2) the “Chaos Incarnate” ADD folks.  

With those as the choices, I’m definitely a “Put It In A Spreadsheet” ADD person.  Lists work for me. The trick with this coping mechanism is that you have to LOOK AT THE LIST for the coping mechanism to work.  This is where you begin compound coping mechanisms.  If you succeed in making a list, but you struggle to remember to look at the list every day, the set an alarm on your phone to remind you to look at your list.  If you do this for 90 days - or a year (whatever’s needed) - you’ll likely build a habit where you won’t need to look at the list anymore.   The good news is there are lots of task list apps out there. I’ve used lots of different apps over the years, and they are very helpful for people with ADD.  Most of the apps have reminders built in, where you can remind yourself that the task app exists, which will help you get your work done and keep your job.  

Count Stuff

Another coping mechanism is that I’ll count tasks or items to make sure I don’t forget something. I’ll sit down and make the task list and then I’ll count the number of tasks.  Looking at the list, I can see that I have three things I have to do before I leave in the morning.  When the morning comes, I know there are three things that must be done, and even if I can’t remember what they are, I know I’m not done until I’ve one three things.  When I can’t think of one of them, I just look at the list again.  

This works well when you have a lot of things you need to bring somewhere as well.  ADD has the delightful side-effect of making you the person who goes on vacation and then has to go to Walmart to buy the thirteen things you forgot to bring. Again, compound coping mechanisms work here: make a list and then count the number of items. If you don’t have enough items, you’re not done.  

For instance, I’ll sit down and write out the things I need to bring to my sister’s house for lunch and then I count them.  “I need to bring five things to my sister’s house for lunch.”  When I’m getting ready to leave to go to my sister’s house, I make sure I have five things.  If I have four, and can’t think of the fifth one, I look at the list.  If I didn’t bother to count, I might not remember to look at the list, and then I’d just walk out the door with three things. I’d only realize I forgot two things when I got to my sister’s house, or when I was halfway there - which is frustrating!  

What’s my point with all of this coping mechanism stuff?  This is supposed to be a blog about ADD and the spiritual formation disciplines.  What do coping mechanisms have to do with any of this?

Coping Mechanisms = Spiritual Disciplines

Because, the fundamental focused effort required to create and utilize coping mechanisms is the same essential effort required to have a more contemplative life.  It’s the building block for developing spiritual habits.  If you can develop and utilize a coping mechanism, then I want to encourage you that you have what it takes to step into the spiritual disciplines.  The spiritual disciplines are the means by which we begin the journey into a more contemplative life.  They are also where lots of ADD folks get frustrated and give up.

If you can utilize a coping mechanism to minimize the effects of ADD, then you can engage in spiritual disciplines, despite your ADD.  

Like my wallet, the spiritual disciplines you practice must have a space where they ALWAYS are.  This means both a physical and temporal space.  You need to have a place where you ALWAYS go to have your quiet time, and you need a specific time that you ALWAYS do your quiet time.  For those of us with ADD, we must be more intentional (than folks without ADD) about the place and time we’re going to set aside for being with God.  If you don’t specify where and when, you likely won’t do it.  

It’s still true for me after years of practicing spiritual disciplines.  My space is my office in my big leather chair. My time is 5am in the morning.  If I miss this window, the odds that I will have any intentional time with God that day goes down to less than 10%.  This has been true no matter if it’s a work day or a day off.  Once the day gets rolling, it’s virtually impossible to find that intentional time again. I usually find that I reach the end of the day and realize that it never even crossed my mind again for the entire day, even though I’ve been practicing this EVERY DAY for the past ten years or so. Welcome to life with ADD.  

Some of you are despairing over my 5am quiet time, but you’re free to set aside time for God at whatever time works best for you.  If you’re a late night person, then establish a time in the evening.  Maybe lunch time would be the best time for you.  There are three points I really want to make here: 

1) Set a regular time and place,

2) Set a time that works for your schedule, and 

3) Set a time where you’ll be able to give God your undivided attention.  

For me, that’s 5am in the morning because it’s before anyone else in the house gets up and I know I won’t be interrupted.  I know other people who this is after everyone goes to bed.  Pick what works best for you. 

My alarms coping mechanism can be leveraged to raise awareness of God in your life.  My friend Larry suggests setting alarms on your phone throughout the day to remind you of God’s presence.  You might set an alarm for noon that says, “Stop and thank God for this day.”  You might set another one for 2pm that says, “Remember that God is with you.”  You could set an alarm at 9pm every day that says, “Thank God for three things from this day.”  You can leverage your coping mechanisms to increase your awareness of God’s presence in your life.   

My list making coping mechanism can be leveraged to establish what you’ll do in your time with God.  Just like writing down what needs to be done for a day or making a list for what to bring for lunch, I highly recommend being specific about what you will do in your time with God.  So often people set aside the time, but don’t make a plan.  Then they sit and pray a little bit and maybe read the Bible a bit, and then get frustrated.   The next day they feel disappointed, or like they did it wrong, or that it was a waste of time.  Then they’re hesitant to try again.  

But when you say, “I’m going to do three things in my time with God: 

1) 5 minutes of thankfulness journaling, 

2) 5 minutes of breath prayers, and 

3) 5 minutes of intercessory prayer,” 

then the odds that you’ll do those three things goes way up.  You’ll probably also feel better about your time with God, which will encourage you to do it again the next day.  

The point behind all of this is that most ADD folks have established some kind of coping mechanism to make it through the day, honor their friends and family, and keep their jobs.  If you haven’t, your life and relationships are likely much more difficult than they need to be.  I highly recommend you start working on some coping mechanisms now. 

Coping mechanisms are how ADD folks learn intentionality.  It turns out, intentionality is a key component for exercising spiritual disciplines.  I pray this is an encouragement for you, as it means you already have what it takes to seriously engage in drawing closer to God.  You just need to apply it in this new context. 

My Favorite Intentionality Quote 

Here’s my favorite quote on intentionality.  It’s from David Nixon, the head of Sustainable Faith, and the guy who taught my first spiritual formation class back 17 years ago. He sets the bar high, but he does such a good job of communicating the importance of intentionality and specificity:

It’s too nebulous to say, “Tomorrow I’ll start controlling my tongue.” It’s in a whole different league to say, “Tomorrow I’ll pause for at least five seconds before ever opening my mouth to speak, even if I’m asked a question. During that time I’ll internally pray, ‘Lord teach me to speak in a way that honors you.’ I’ll also encourage five people in the course of my day, telling them something good that I notice in them. At the end of each day, before going to bed, I’ll write down the names of the five people I encouraged and say a prayer for them.”

- David Nixon

Like that.  

For ADD folks, the way forward is through leveraging the skills that power our coping mechanisms.  If we can apply the intentionality that allows us to survive every day, we can grow and begin to thrive in our lives with God. 

What coping mechanisms do you have implemented in your own life?  Post them here.

What coping mechanisms would you like to implement to help make your life better?

What would it take for you to commit to a specific time and place with God every day?