The Connection Challenge #church 02

What is the connection challenge?

The prevailing opinion in church philosophy today is that it’s the local church’s responsibility to assimilate people into the church community culture.  This is why we have connection pastors, assimilation pastors, hospitality directors, and many other titles for the staff member whose job it is to come up with ways to help people get connected to the church community. 

But here’s something I get to say now that I am no longer a full-time pastor on staff at a church: 

The burden of connection is on you, the attendee. 

Any church that has read even one of the church 101 books knows that you have to be thoughtful and intentional about creating easy ways for people to get connected to their church community.  Churches spend a lot of time on this because the number one reason someone stays at a church is because they make a meaningful connection to someone in the church community. 

Using tithe money to pay for a connection pastor could sound very self-serving if the goal is just to get people to stay.  But this idea is actually rooted in the truth that we need each other.  Jesus made his Church to be a community of people - we were never meant to be alone.  We all desire to know others and to be known by others.  It’s actually really good for you to be part of a local church, it’s good for the local church community, and it’s what Jesus intended.  So when your local church community spends money on connection efforts it's actually a win-win.

But despite all of the work a local church community does to get you connected, it’s your responsibility to connect.  

The Connection Gap

When I was a pastor on staff at a church, I had people who would come to me and say, “I really just can’t connect at this church.”  

Trying to better understand the situation, I'd ask a few standard questions:

“Have you gone to the new attendees meeting?” 

“No, it’s after service on Sundays, and we always go out to eat right after church.”

“OK.  Have you joined a Sunday school class?”

“No, we don’t want to miss the preaching, and joining the Sunday school class means we’d have to come to both services, which we don’t want to do.” 

“OK. Have you joined a small group?”

“No.  That’s just too intimidating, and we’ve had bad experiences with small groups in the past.”

“OK.  Have you considered serving?” 

“No.  We’re so busy.  We really don’t have time to serve.  Look, I don’t really want to do any of those things.  Isn’t there just an easy way for us to get connected?” 

*awkward pause*

I have grace for these people.  Getting connected IS challenging and it can be relationally intimidating, depending on your personality. 

No church staff would ever blame the attendee for not connecting.  But I’m not on a church staff, and so I’m free to tell you that it’s ultimately your responsibility to get connected.  In fact, my wife and I have been attending a new church for the past three months.  They’re really good at what they do.  They’re very proactive and have numerous ways for people to get involved in their community.  They’ve made it just about as easy as anyone can make it.  But the burden of connection still rests with me.  

You will only connect if you engage in these opportunities for connection.  

It’s not going to just happen to you.  The church can’t do it for you - believe me, if they could, they would.  It’s your responsibility and you can’t outsource it.   

For Example, What I'm Going Through Right Now

Here’s what I mean - I’ve started volunteering at the food pantry.  I’ve attended some special services to meet some of the pastors.  I’ve asked around and I’m starting to figure out how I can be part of the church community.  If I want to know others and be known by others, they have the systems, and I have to be willing to engage with those systems.

That means I have to be vulnerable.  I have to be willing to take the risk and put myself out there.  The truth is I might get hurt.  Not all small groups are great. Not all pastors follow up with their commitments.  You might have another bad experience.  But the joy of knowing and being known is worth the risk. 

The "Unhealthy Church" Exception

Now, you might be attending a church that is truly unhealthy. They may be operating in a way that makes it incredibly hard for new people to stay. They may set the involvement bar so high that you can’t possibly be known without staying at the church for five years.  They may just be unaware of the needs of first-time guests, because they’ve never read one of the many church connections books.     

If you’re attending a church that is all about itself, or preaches on culture wars every weekend, or is unwelcoming to visitors, or that has no way for you to get involved quickly and start being a part of the community, then you might want to be asking God if you should be looking for a healthier church community. There are lots of churches to choose from. One of them has probably read a connections book and is making an effort to help people connect with their community.

Not Every Church Is A Fit

It’s also true that not every church is going to be a fit for you. I had a wonderful older couple that I loved dearly who came to me when I was a young pastor just getting started. 

They said to me, “David, we’ve lead three different small groups, we’ve attended numerous small groups, we’ve served on lots of teams, and we’ve done everything we know to do to connect over the last three years. But the truth is, we just can’t seem to connect to the people at this church. Maybe it’s us, or maybe we’re just not a fit for this community.“   

As hard as that was for me to hear, I felt incredibly honored by their honesty. They’d made a genuine effort to try to connect, and it simply didn’t work out.  For the type of person they were, for the things that were important to them, for the things that God has highlighted for them, for the type of people that they were drawn to minister to and be with, our church was simply not the right fit for them. This wasn’t a failure of the church: it was actually a win.  For them to have the clarity to know that it was time to move on is a gift from God.  I was able to bless them as they left, and thanked him for their authenticity.

But that story is rare. 

Be Assertive

Maybe you’re at a church right now we’re nobody knows who you are. Maybe you’re wishing that you had deeper connections with people you could talk to about what’s going on in your life. Here’s my question for you: 

What have you done to make yourself known? Have you joined a small group? Have you attended a Sunday school class? Have you signed up to serve somewhere with the church?

You may be thinking to yourself, “but I don’t want to have to do those things. I hate small groups, I hate Sunday schools, and I’m too busy to serve. Isn’t there some other way that I can get connected?“

No.  You have to assert yourself if you want to connect.  

Well, at least I am not aware of any other way to get connected.  At the end of the day the burden of connection at a healthy church rests with you. 

What's In The Way?

But let me ask some other questions:

You say you hate men’s or women’s ministry? What happened?  

You say you don’t wanna be part of a small group? What is it about small groups that makes you resistant to attending?  

You say you don’t want to serve or you don’t have time to serve. What is keeping you from being able to serve?  What happens when you think about serving?

What is your resistance to taking the steps to engage with your local church?  

What is the next step - even a small one - to move you toward knowing others and being known?