Meet People Where They Are #leadership 04

When I was first drawing near to Jesus again - after living ten years away from the Church - I was skeptical, sarcastic, and cynical.  

My family and I had ended up at the church where I would eventually serve as Executive Pastor.  But in the beginning, I sat each week in the congregation with my arms folded, listening as a skeptic, not as an open-minded explorer.  I criticized the lead pastor’s sermons every Sunday until my wife told me to quit complaining or quit going with her.  I chose to stop complaining.

I felt like I was at a threshold where I could go deeper into this church community, or I could leave and continue my journey away from Jesus. But I couldn’t just stay standing in the doorway complaining.  I saw the joy people had around me, but I was wounded from my years of growing up in the church community of my youth, and I was jaded by my experiences in the desert of self-imposed exile from God.  I needed to know that this church community was a safe place for me to continue my spiritual journey.  I’d been rejected numerous times before by Christian community, and so if that’s where this was headed, I just wanted to get it over with.  

I stood at this threshold and conceived a plan.  I’d meet with the lead pastor, tell him what I thought (much of which I believed would get me uninvited), and then he could reject me and I could get on with my life.  I scheduled the meeting, and a week or so later, I was sitting across from him in his office.  

I told him a lot of things that day.  I can remember two ideas I talked about that would be deal-breakers for a lot of pastors: 

1) Demons aren’t real, they’re just abstractions of the evil humans do, and 

2) Jesus was a tax-evader by getting the taxes for Peter and him out of the mouth of the fish.  

To his credit, the lead pastor took all of this in stride. The conversation went on for an hour or so, and in the end, the lead pastor said these very important words to me:

“It sounds like you have a lot of questions.  Why don’t you stick around here and see if you can get them answered?”

I was floored.  I’d expected to be uninvited.  Maybe he’d douse me with holy water or try to perform an exorcism.  But instead he invited me into community and encouraged me to keep asking questions.  I felt invited in.  I stepped over the threshold. 

His answer made all the difference for me, and it illustrates my next critical leadership principle:

Meet people where they are without judging them.  

This is actually a principle for life - it extends well beyond leadership into any relationship you might have with another human being.  But it’s essential for anyone who wants to be a life-giving, healthy leader.

An Example: Matthew The Tax Collector  

This idea is best illustrated by Jesus himself in Matthew 9.  In verse 9, Jesus calls Matthew the tax collector to be one of his disciples:

“As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.” Matthew 9:9

This is a powerful image of how Christ meets each one of us where we are.  Matthew is a tax collector, meaning that he was an Israeli national who was collaborating with the Roman oppressors to collect the Imperial taxes for Rome from his fellow countrymen.  He was probably considered a traitor for this reason alone.  However, the tax collectors were also known for charging exorbitant fees above and beyond the Roman tax requirements so they could get paid.  Matthew was almost certainly an undisputed villain.  

Jesus sees him in his tax collector booth where he practiced his shameful profession, and he invites Matthew to come and follow him.  He doesn’t say, “Stop being a tax collector and then come follow me.”  He doesn’t say, “When you’re ready to stop being a villain, come follow me.”  He simply invites Matthew to follow him.  

Jesus knew that the thing that Matthew needed was him.  Matthew needed to follow Jesus.  If Matthew followed Jesus, then everything else would be taken care of.  Jesus meets Matthew where he is, with all of the evil things Matthew has done, is doing, and will do still very much in play.  He doesn’t judge Matthew.  He simply invites him to follow.  

It’s a common misconception that what people need is community, or a pastor, or a friend.  These things are all very important, and can play a significant role in helping someone follow Jesus.  But we should never confuse the means with the end.  The end is Jesus himself. 

What Is Needed?

When we’re honest with ourselves, we often think of relationships through the lens of personal need.  The other person somehow meets some deep need that WE have.  It might be that we need to be loved, valued, seen as important, or we may need someone to save or fix.  This is so incredibly common in church leadership.  We tell ourselves we’re doing Christ’s work, but so often we’re meeting some subterranean need of our own.  I’ve met many pastors who want to BE Jesus.  THEY want to save people in their own power.

The truth is that only Jesus can save.  True and lasting change is change worked by God in us as we surrender to God's will.  We can’t save anyone.  We can’t even save ourselves.

Likewise, I reject the notion that we can cause someone to be sentenced to hell.  Certainly we can be an impediment to the work that God is doing in someone’s life, but our good and beautiful God is so much bigger than our petty attempts to save or condemn others.  At the end of the day, each person is responsible for their own response to God’s gracious invitation. 

I bring up this theological bone of contention because Jesus is showing us how to engage people - anyone - here in Matthew 9.  He meets Matthew where he is, in the midst of his sin, and he invites Matthew to follow him without judging him.  When we meet someone, what would happen if we really understood that what they need is to connect with Jesus?  

They don’t need me.  

They don’t need you.  

They don’t need the Church.  

They need to follow Jesus if they truly want to experience the good and fruitful life God has for them.  

What would happen if we really believed that what the person needed in the moment of first contact is to be loved well, and invited to follow Jesus?

We can’t save them.

We can’t condemn them.

We can’t change them.  

But we know who can.

First Contact

This first contact is the point where many followers of Jesus go awry.  Sometimes they feel a holy duty to point out someone’s sin in those first moments.  This is where so much of the same-sex conversation has been hurtful in the Church.  Our flawed version of Jesus’ invitation often goes something like this: 

“Come and follow Jesus.  However, in an effort to be transparent, there are a few things you need to know up front.  You’re going to have to stop being gay.  You’ll need to divorce your same-sex spouse.  You’ll need to stop having sex, and you’ll need to move into separate apartments.”  

To which the same-sex person says, “I’m not doing any of that!”

Those who meet people in this way often believe they are being faithful to Jesus with this qualified welcome, but the words are hurtful and destructive and out-of-sync with Jesus' heart. Often, these words flow out of our mouths out of some misplaced sense of organizational duty. It’s like if we invited someone into the church community without making sure they knew what had to change so they could fit in, we’d somehow be letting the group down.  We’d be “poisoning the well,” or not being faithful to our shared understanding of scripture with the group.  These group ties hold great power over us, and they often guide our poor decisions and ungodly actions in ways we don’t even comprehend at a conscious level.  

What if you truly embraced the idea that Jesus is the one they need?  

What if we internalized the notion that if any change is needed, Jesus will work that change in them when the time is right?  

That if we introduce them to Jesus, he'll take good care of them.

Not me.  

Not you.  

Not the lead pastor, and not the Board of Elders.  

If we can see people this way - the way that Jesus saw Matthew when he called him - then we have the greatest gift we can give a person who is at the threshold, uncertain if it’s safe to continue:  


We can give them gift of Christ's love by meeting them where they are without judging them.  

Just like how Jesus met me, met you, met us all when he first met us.  

This is Jesus’ love thoughtfully manifested in the moment.

Taking The Bait  

My own experience informs my thoughts on this matter.  I went to the lead pastor to get uninvited so I could move on.  My challenge to the lead pastor was an invitation to uninvite me.  If he had tried to set me straight, I would’ve received it, and then I would’ve left the church.  I would’ve told all of my friends, “See, those Christian hypocrites only love people like themselves.  They judged me just like I thought they would.” But the lead pastor wisely met me where I was without judging me, and it made all of the difference.   

I’ve advised pastors over and over again, to not “take the bait” when someone at the threshold challenges them.  Many people who are at the threshold are in the midst of an existential crisis, and the challenge seems like the next logical step. They may not even be aware at a conscious level that they're delivering an ultimatum. They just want the tension of standing in the threshold to resolve, and this feels like the natural way to address it.  

So often pastors feel a responsibility to correct and speak the “hard truth” to these vulnerable people who are at the threshold.  These pastors are often concerned about how their church community will view them if they're "soft on sin." They may be worried for their jobs. They may be keeping up appearances. I've had pastors who delivered "tough love" speeches to wary seekers at the threshold tell me that they were worried about having to stand before God and admit that they passed up an opportunity to correct someone who was sinning.  And when they do deliver this “tough love”, the recipient, more often than not, leaves the church, and sometimes leaves God.  Check out my Tough Love post to hear more on this topic. 

Again, if a person turns their back on God because of what a pastor said or did, it doesn’t mean the pastor is responsible for condemning that person to hell as some Christian tribes teach.  None of us has that power.  I pray none of us WANTS that power.  But we still desire to be the light of the world, rather than an impediment to the work Jesus is doing in a person's life.    

When you try to embody Jesus’ love for those who may be far from him, you will meet them where they are without judging them.  You’ll simply show them the unconditional love of Christ as best as you can, and invite them to draw near to him. 

How does this idea specifically apply to leadership?

The people under you in the org chart see things differently than you and they want their perspective of your organization and your leadership to be considered.  This is healthy feedback.  So many leaders are so thin-skinned that they can’t tolerate the notion that anyone would be able to say a bad word about them.  

What would happen if you allowed the people who work for you to be who they actually are, without you judging them, and certainly without punitive consequences for them telling the truth?  

What kind of culture might that nurture?  

Here’s my point: a healthy organization creates a culture that is honest, authentic, and transparent.  Feedback is invited, received, and valued.  Open dialogue and exchange of ideas becomes the engine that drives innovation. The essential component for this kind of culture to grow is the leader’s ability to meet people where they are without judging them.  

When the lead pastor invited me into community just as I was, without judging me or requiring me to change, he created a safe space for me. It allowed me to cross the threshold and invest in the community.  

When leaders meet their people where they are without judging them, safety is nurtured and the critical foundation for a culture of healthy feedback, continuous improvement, and open dialogue is established.  

When people are met in this way in their work, churches, and friendships, life-giving relationship is born.  They feel valued, heard, and invited to be a part of something bigger than themselves.  When they feel valued in this way, they're much more willing to share their ideas, invest their talents, and even sacrifice for the good of the organization. Isn’t that what every leader would want for their organization?

There’s much more to be said about this topic, but we’ll save that for later posts.  How do you apply this idea with underperforming employees?  Doesn’t a line exist where this idea becomes enabling someone’s self-destructive behaviors?  Aren’t followers of Jesus supposed to correct their fellow followers when they sin?  Doesn’t God’s love include “tough love?”

Those are all great questions we’ll get to in time, but this post is long enough for now.  

What keeps leaders from meeting people where they are without judging them?

What keeps YOU from meeting others where they are without judging them?

Who in your life right now just needs to be met where they are without judgment?