The Distracted Contemplative #ADD 01
I have ADD and I’m a contemplative.
“What?!” you might be thinking, especially if you also have ADD.
For those of you with ADD, I pray this series of posts are helpful. For those of you without ADD, I’m confident you know someone who does have ADD, and this series may be helpful for you to understand their struggle, and possibly even give your some pointers for how to care more deeply for them.
I’ve taught classes on having a devotional time with God for years, and consistently, my ADD brothers and sisters (my “people”) say they CAN’T do it. I’ve met so many ADD folks who despair to ever be able to spend serious time with God. They struggle with breath prayers, and can’t finish the examen. And silence and solitude? That’s just ridiculous.
I’ve seen the genuine struggles my people have with the spiritual practices.
Longing For God
Many ADD people despair for their unfulfilled desire for intimacy with God. Their perceived inability to engage with the spiritual disciplines leaves them feeling broken, flawed, or somehow unworthy. Discouraged, they give up and stop trying, settling for practices that feed their need for distraction, but don’t put down the deep roots they desire.
Some ADD folks get defensive and chalk their perceived inability to partake in spiritual disciplines up to a “personality trait.” “I just need to be doing something all of the time, and so the exercises that call for focus are just too boring for me!” They long for deeper intimacy with God, but they’ve ruled out many of the core practices that would actually help them develop what they desire.
Other people with ADD give the spiritual practices a serious try, but give up when they perceive that they’re “not doing it right.” They tell themselves it isn’t working, or they’re not getting better at it, so they give up and settle for easier practices that DO have merit, but nurture much less than what they desire.
Hope
I’m writing this series of posts because I care deeply about this community. If you have ADD, I want you to know that you CAN participate in the practices that are more challenging for ADD folk. I’ve been practicing for the past 8 years, and I feel invited to share what I’ve learned.
I’m not promising that you’ll become a deep contemplative person. Your experience may differ from mine, and what worked for me may not work for you. But I CAN tell you my experience and pray that it’ll encourage you and give you some insight into what it looks like to be a distracted contemplative.
For those of you reading this who don’t have ADD, (which, by current count, would be something like 80% of you), let me explain my take on what it’s like to have ADD.
Imagine that you walk into a coffee shop and every single sound in the room is at the same volume. The espresso machine hissing, the conversation at every table, the clinking of coffee cups on saucers, the hum of the air conditioner, the creak of the chairs, and the person washing dishes in the kitchen - all of it comes at you at the same volume. Visually, the same thing happens - you see it all in one big smear and it’s hard to figure out what to pay attention to. This is metaphor for what it sounds like in my head. Every single bit of stimuli, sound, image, and thought is clamoring for attention at the same level in my brain. There’s no prioritization, and my filter isn’t working. When I open my mouth to speak, I’m not even sure what’s going to come out.
That’s what ADD is like for me.
When I ask other ADD folks about their experience, it’s typically something similar. Based on personality, family of origin, and all the other things that make us who we are, your experience of ADD may differ. My family of origin valued precision and accuracy, and so my coping skills were fairly well developed by the time I was diagnosed. I had to develop them to stay alive. That may not be your experience.
What is it like to attempt something as daunting as 20 minutes of silence, when every thought is assaulting you all at once? What might it be like to try and center on Jesus, only to be pulled away every 3 seconds by some unrelated thought that seems equally important, but clearly isn’t? How frustrating might that be?
This is why I’m writing this series.
My Story
I’ve had it my entire life, and I was diagnosed in 2003 in my 30s. Back then I went to a psychiatrist and took a computer-based test. I think it’s called the “Test of Variables of Attention” or “T.O.V.A.” test, and they measured my response times to clicking on little boxes on the screen, or pushing a button when I heard a specific tone. It made very little sense to me at the time, but I remember coming out of the little testing booth and talking to the psychiatrist.
“Do I have ADD?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah,” the doctor said with a little laugh. “You do.”
By this time in my life, I’d impulsively quit two bands without really planning for what came next. I’d quit my first band in 1995, DigHayZoose, the most successful one, through a fairly thoughtful process. It was choice between having a family or having a band. That was a pretty easy choice.
The next two bands began to reveal something in me I didn’t love. When songwriting got difficult in Dev Null, I quit. The last band I was in was Sundowner, and I impulsively quit the band after our one show in March of 2000, because I had a shaky offer to do something else. That “something else” fell through, and that was the end of my time as a performing musician. I’ve always considered myself a thoughtful and deliberate person, but these events had uncovered an impulsivity I didn’t know I had. The net result of this behavior is that I earned a reputation as a selfish and unreliable bandmate in my community of musicians. No one wanted to play with me anymore.
I was always saying the first thing that came to mind, and blurting out things that were inappropriate for the situation. I had more times then I could count where felt the need to apologize for my bad behavior and ask for forgiveness from the person I’d slighted. I often wondered, “What is WRONG with me?” In my idealized heart, I was thoughtful, loving, and cared deeply about the relationships I had with my friends. In reality, I was an a**hole.
The thing that brought me to the psychiatrist, was a crisis of awareness in my professional career. I worked at a Fortune 500 corporation from 1996 to 2007, and one day in 2003, I came into work knowing that I had a very important document due by noon. I logged into my laptop and thought I’d take a moment to read my email. Three hours later, I snapped out of what I now know was a hyper-focus episode. There’d been a serious disconnect between my rational mind, which knew that a critical document was due by noon, and my lived reality, which was that I had just spent three hours answering email. My prioritization system had completely failed.
This, coupled with a near-continuous sense of being overwhelmed, brought me to the psychiatrist. That’s when I found out I had ADD. I was relieved to have a greater understanding of what was happening.
Naming your demons gives you distance from them. They lose some of their power over you.
It’s always better to know than not to know.
This is the power of self awareness growing.
Maybe you have a similar story.
20 years later, I’m blessed to be partaking in some of the spiritual practices that require more focus. Through them, I’ve grown closer to the Lord, deepens my experience of God, grown more self aware, and my relationships with others have strengthened.
By the grace of God, I’d like to share what I’ve learned and pray that it benefits some of you.
Over this series, I plan to cover the following topics, approaching them specifically from the perspective of someone with ADD:
- Mindfulness and coping
- God Awareness
- Self Awareness
- Intercessory Prayer
- The Examen
- Interactive Scripture
- Imaginative Prayer
- Breath Prayers
- Centering Prayer
- Silence
- Solitude
I’ll begin those discussions soon enough, but the next post tackles the issue everyone with ADD has to deal with: to medicate or not?
How have your struggles with ADD affected your view of self and the potential for your relationship with God?
What has been your experience with the spiritual practices of the examen, centering prayer, silence, and solitude?
As I talk about people you may know with ADD, who is God bringing to mind? How can you join God in caring for this person (these people)?
Comments
Post a Comment