Handling Conflict In A Godly Way Part 2 #church 08

Conflict is a normal part of being human.  

You’re going to have conflict in your local church community, so learning how to handle it in a godly way is important.  

In the last post in this series, we looked at handling conflict in three ways, all drawn from Colossians 3:12:

• Try to see the other like God does. 
• Let compassion move you toward the other person. 
• Extend dignity and respect through kindness.

In this post, I’ll continue exploring how to handle conflict in a godly way in Jesus’ Church, as I parse the remainder of Colossians 3:12.

Humility

The next item from Colossians 3:12 is HUGE: Humility.  

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility…

Colossians 3:12

Humility is a topic worthy of its own blog.  I won’t do a full treatment here, but the one thing I can say about humility is that it’s the one consistent trait that all followers of Jesus are called to demonstrate.  Every single one of us is called to be humble.  

Humility is a tough topic.  You can talk all about it, but the moment you claim it for yourself, you’ve proven you don’t have it - at least in the moment.  I see people get awards for being humble.  What are you supposed to do with a humility award? You can’t hang it on your wall or show it to anyone!  OK, you can, but I still think it’s funny.  

For the sake of this post, let’s just define humility based on the definition from Philippians 2:1-11: as the willingness to be a servant to all - to look to the interests of the other person in the conflict.

In humility, look to the interests of the other. 

This is where much of our social and personal discourse has broken down in recent history.  Often when we get in the middle of a disagreement, we lose sight of this very idea - that we are invited to serve, not to be served.  

God’s humility invites you to think of yourself as a servant to everyone around you, and then to act on that thought.  If you’re in the middle of sharp disagreement, what would happen if you remembered that you’re called to be a servant - to look to the interests of the person on the other end of the argument?  How might your heart change in the moment?  What would you do differently?  A servant certainly wouldn’t be demanding their rights or lording their opinion over someone else.  

This “looking to the other’s interests” is a spiritual discipline that requires some practice.  In the moment, we’re so hot-headed and flooded with adrenaline and emotions that we struggle to think clearly.  This discipline requires some level of awareness to see that if you keeping going the way you’re going right now, this argument is going to end poorly.  

Experience is often the best teacher.  I failed to “look to the interest of the other” in the moment dozens of times.  I’d get into the argument, and I’d be bent on winning.  I knew I was right, and I just needed to keep beating the other person down with my superior arguments until they caved and admitted I was right.  Sometimes, I WAS right.  

It’s so clear in these moments that this is simple pride - the opposite of humility.  I’m bent on my own interests and I never pause to give the other person’s interests a second thought - until it’s too late.  

A Prideful Example

I remember working at a Fortune 500 company in my 20’s.  I was an IT project manager in a team with a bunch of my IT friends who’d come up through the ranks together.  One day, I told one of my friends that House of Pain, the band that gave us the classic “Jump Around,” was an Irish hip hop band.  My friend insisted that I was wrong.  I knew I was right and I put my head down and kept pushing.  I was so certain I was right, and I wanted so badly to prove to him that he was wrong, that I bet him $20 that he was wrong.  The Internet was in its infancy at the time, but we were IT nerds, so we looked it up.  I was right: they were an Irish band.  

Instead of an exhilarating sense of victory at proving I was right, I saw how I’d shamed my friend in front of all of his peers. It was awkward, and the whole thing had happened in our cube farm where everyone could see and hear it.  I tried to make it right by saying I didn’t want the money, but the damage had been done.  My friend wouldn’t look me in the eye as he wordlessly slipped away to his cube. I hadn’t given a second thought to how my friend would feel at the end of this argument.  I was looking to my own interests.  I wanted to prove that I was right and my friend was wrong.    

The funny thing is that House of Pain is actually an American band from Los Angeles who tried to pass themselves off as an Irish band in the 90s.  I think they have some Irish heritage or something, but it turns out my friend was correct, even though misinformation on the Web supported me.  This is how it often seems to be. 

The problem was that I had no concern for my friend.  Humility calls me to consider him - to look to his interests - and then ask myself how I might serve him in the moment.  If I’d been able to pause and realize the pain I was causing my friend, I would’ve just shrugged it off and let it go.  Pride moves us to say, “I need to be right.” Humility moves us to say, “I care more about my friend than I care about being right.”  

The good news is that getting it wrong in the moment isn’t the end of the story.  Even when we blow it, we have opportunity to try and make it right.  We can go back to the person we harmed and apologize and ask for forgiveness.  What do we call this?  Humility.  

Humility gets us moving toward one another again.  If I’m looking to your interests, I’m not spending all of my time focused on MY interests.  Even more powerful: what happens when we’re both looking to one another’s interests and trying to serve one another?  

What would it look like to bring humility into a disagreement?

Gentleness

Continuing on with Colossians 3:12, the next thing we see is gentleness. 

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness… 

Colossians 3:12

In the Bible, gentleness flows from what Jesus said about his own ministry: that he was gentle and humble of heart.  The idea here is that someone who practices gentleness does not demand what they want.  The opposite of gentleness is aggression: trying to MAKE the other person do what you want.  To try and make them see what you mean. 

The picture of holding a fragile baby bird in the palm of your hand is a great illustration of gentleness.  You know if you squeeze too hard...well, let's not think about what happens.  You have to be gentle with the little bird so as to keep it safe.  

In the Bible, gentleness has us:

Gently ask to be heard. 

You can be gentle and still have a strong opinion. You can be passionate about something without being aggressive. Being gentle means you’ll take a posture of invitation.  You invite the other person to hear where you’re coming from.  If enough safety exists in the crucial conversation you’re having, you can say, “I feel like you’re not hearing what I mean.  Please tell me what you believe I’m saying.” And if they don’t know or say something other than what you intended, you can ask, “May I please clarify where I’m coming from?” 

The thing we really don’t like about this approach is that the other person in the conversation always has the opportunity to say “no.”  You can’t make someone else participate in conflict resolution.  If they’re bent on being right, or if they’re simply not interested in engaging, there’s nothing you can do.  

This is where practicing gentleness becomes most difficult.  When the other person won’t participate in conflict resolution, we’re often tempted to MAKE them participate.  It takes a lot of energy, reflection, and courage for most people to be willing to face a conflict.  There’s so much emotion that it can be maddening when the other person won’t participate!  

Here’s the thing about gentleness: it invites the other person to see your perspective, but if they’re not interested, or won’t come to the table for further discussion, gentleness doesn’t kick the door in.  This absence of force invites the other person to lower their volume too and to move toward you. 

Or not.  Either way, gentleness means we refuse to use force and/or emotional violence to get what we want.  

What would happen if you approached a disagreement with gentleness?  How might it go differently?

Patience

Finally, from the Colossians 3:12 verse we get to patience.  

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience…

Colossians 3:12

In the Bible, patience means that we trust God for the timing of things, so we can wait on him if we need to. We often get caught up in the overpowering immediacy of our emotions.  It feels URGENT.  We often want the emotions we’re feeling to subside, so we take action to resolve the conflict immediately.  Once we’ve screwed up the courage to have the tough conversation and address the conflict, we don’t want to wait.  We worry that we might not have the conversation if we don’t have it IMMEDIATELY.  We charge ahead, filled with fear, and pumping with adrenalin.  

This is normal and God has grace for us.  

But God always knows the best time to have the conversation.  This calls for patience.  It’s good to deal with a conflict sooner than later, but sooner doesn’t always mean RIGHT NOW.  Allowing some time for reflection and to allow God to reveal your heart motives and his desire for the relationship is wise.  It’s difficult, but wise.  Patience means telling your emotions and the artificial sense of urgency to calm down.  You can acknowledge all of these emotions and then take some time to get your heart ready for the conflict conversation.  

Patience gives us the ability to delay until things can be done in a godly manner.  You know patience has left the building when we start taking action out of anxiety and fear. 

Let patience create space and room to “breathe.”

In a conflict, patience means waiting on/for/with the other person. It’s so easy to get impatient in a conflict conversation. We often cut people off, tell them to shut up, or speak with such absolute terms that we shut down the conversation before it ever starts.  Patience means giving space for the other person to say what they need to say.  Patience gives them time to think.  Patience says, “We don’t have to resolve this today.  We can put a pin in it right here and come back after we’ve had time to think and pray.” 

What would it be like to be patient in an argument?  To allow space for the other to think?  How many other outcomes or solutions might you think of if you were able to be patient?  

I could continue on with all the other things we find in Colossians 3 that would help in conflict: bearing with one another, forgiving, letting peace rule in our hearts, but I think we’ve hit the heart of a perspective for handling conflict rom this passage. Certainly, there’s more to be said about peacemaking and conflict management, but I wanted to draw this bit straight out of the Bible. 

In Summary

Take a look at our amazing list.

What would happen in an argument if we:

• See the other the way God sees them. 
• Let compassion move you toward the other.
• Extend dignity and respect through kindness. 
• In humility, look to the interests of the other.
• Gently ask to be heard.
• Let patience create space and room to “breathe.”

How might a disagreement turn out differently if BOTH parties were following these guidelines?

How have you handled conflict in your life?

How might these guidelines have helped in a situation from your past?

What is God inviting you to do in light of these principles?

There's one more post in this series, where we'll look at the unfortunately limitations of conflict management in Jesus' Church.